Mean Gene

Chat No More With Phil Hellmuth!

Wrote up a post and then forgot why I started one in the first place. ESPN had chats yesterday with Phil Gordon and Howard Lederer (both of whom talked of this and that and lightly pimped Full Tilt) and Mike Matusow (who talked of this and that but said he'd rather not talk about his recent incarceration) and in between came Phil Hellmuth. They even gave him 45 minutes instead of the half=hour they gave the other three, just so he'd be able to talk that much more with his legions of fans.

So the chat begins, and in Phil's defense many of the questions are the usual pedestrian crap (what is your least favorite hand? what no-limit hold-em player do you fear most?). Who cares about that junk? I'd ask something like, "Will you be doing any more topless shots for ESPN this year?" or "After ESPN inexplicably broadcast you brushing your teeth in 2003, how have your most recent dental exams turned out?".

Anyway, Phil answered the first few questions, then said that he was in the middle of getting dressed to go to the Mirage because he had a $2500 bet with Antonio Esfandiari about when the PPT event would start. Phil thought it'd start at 2PM, Antonio at noon. So we're treated to Phil telling us that he's getting dressed, that he's walking toward the Mirage. And from then on, it's basically all Phil just name-dropping and other nonsense. He tells us he's signing autographs and getting pictures taken. Oh, James Woods wants to say he wants to start at noon. Andy Roddick is calling for him. Michael Jordan wants to play poker with him. He got mobbed by poker groupies.

The few questions that got through were mostly reactions to what Phil was saying (Is Andy Roddick going to your fantasy camp? Has there ever been a more professional name dropper than you?) and then he had to sit down and play. Now, I'm sure Phil is a busy guy, but if he can't carve out 45 minutes to chat with his fans/detractors, then don't schedule it. And people who don't especially like Phil and his antics (like myself) shouldn't sit there like idiots and read this goddam nonsense.

So I won't read Phil's next chat--unless events prove this blog has massive influence over the poker universe. Because I am asking that all those who like poker boycott Phil's next chat session. Don't send in questions. Let him wait in silence. If he wants to talk, let him shout into the Void. Let us learn the answer to the age-old question: If Phil Hellmuth is alone in the woods talking about himself, does he make a sound?

OK, enough about me being cranky. No, here's more crankiness. I read, oh, 50 poker blogs a day, just let 'em ding my Bloglines page and I make a quick meal of each one. And, let me tell ya, before too long I'm gonna be GOOD and SICK of reading entries that end "...only 21 more days till Vegas!!!".

Because I'm not going. And it's KILLIN' me. It's like everyone around me is getting more and more excited about Christmas coming and I'm the only Zoroasterist in the class. I don't mind living vicariously through yinz, but let me tell you, vicarious anticipation is a pain in the ass.

I promise you this--the next blogger conclave, I do think I'll be able to attend, and I'm putting a clock on this blog counting it down by tenths of a second. Just to be a jerk.

One good thing coming up soon is the start of our beach volleyball league. I think the place where we play opens this Friday night, and I'll probably stop by, have a beer, reaquaint myself with jumping in sand. My quads are trembling already. I'm pretty beat up from playing indoors 2 nights a week for the last 6 months, so I took a week off and I feel about 10 years younger. I really, REALLY need to lose 25 more pounds before the start of the next indoor season, so I can get through the day without gobbling Advil like Tic-Tacs.

And drinking beer. God, I can't believe I actually used to exercise without drinking afterwards. Beer eases the aches, the pains, the psychic trauma of losing week after week. The biggest difference between playing indoor and beach, besides the playing surface, is that in our beach league we drink before, during, and after the games, while indoors we only drink afterwards. Which perhaps explains why I like playing in the sand three times as much.

Just a tidbit that I found shocking--Entertainment Weekly is reporting that it's "unlikely" Chappelle's Show will be back for it's third season. Dave Chappelle apparently checked himself into a mental health facility in South Africa back in April and has been there ever since. Uh huh. That doesn't sound good. I think Comedy Central can't feel too good about that $50 million contract they gave Dave after last season. Nor do I feel good about one of the few brilliant shows on TV fading away after just two seasons. Looks like I'm gonna have to start reading books again.

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