Mean Gene
Mean Gene
Pittsburgh's most decorated poker blogger, which I admit is like being the best shortstop in Greenland

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My Articles

Presto, the Arlo, & the Hammer
An Online Code of Conduct
The Ethics of Ratholing
"The Professor, the Banker..."
"Ace on the River"

My Columns

Lose the Shades
If You Can't Say Something Nice
Whither the Kicker
The Lady is a Champ?
Covering the WSOP (or not)
Statistics, Luck, and Poker
Poker and New Orleans
Managing a Bankroll
How To Tell A Bad Beat Story
Telling Lies
The Power of Poker Tracker
Advanced Card-Handling

My Greatest Hits

5 Things To Do Before I Die
Cafeteria Nostalgia
Mean Gene's Dubious Dating Tips
Poker and Business?
There's No Such Thing As Luck?
Isabelle, Je t'adore
No Shirt No Shoes No Service
Well, The Food Was Good
Good Morning, Mr. Matusow!
The Weekend of our Discontent, I
The Weekend of our Discontent, II
Books That Left Their Mark
Ode to a Fish Sandwich
Bill Simmons Ain't the Poker Guy
The Sports Guy Still Ain't the Poker Guy
Again, The Media Tackles Poker
Five Years After 9/11
Hitting Pretty Girls in the Face
Sixth-Graders Suck

Fellow Poker Bloggers

Guinness and Poker
Cards Speak
Tao of Poker
Up for Poker
Boy Genius
Chris Halverson
Poker Grub
The Fat Guy
Todd Commish
Poker Works
Bill Rini
Bad Blood
Love and Casino War
Double As
Lion Tales
Paul Phillips
Daniel Negreanu
Poker Nerd
Poker Nation
Poker in Arrears
Human Head
Sound of a Suckout
Chicks With Chips
TP's Table Talk
Royal Poker
This is Not A Poker Blog
Chick and a Chair
Go Be Rude
Poker Cheapskate
Poker & Other Stuff
Seven Two
Musical Poker
WPBT Online
Isabelle Mercier
Cardschat Blog
Amy Calistri
BJ Nemeth
Annie's Blog

Poker Sites

Cardschat Poker Forum
Barstool Sports
Card Player
Internet Texas Hold-Em
Poker Pages


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  • Powered by Blogger

    Thursday, October 20, 2005

    In This Post I Guarantee That I Will Win the PokerStars Online Poker Blogger Tournament

    Poker Championship

    I have registered to play in the
    Online Poker Blogger Championship!

    This event is powered by PokerStars.

    Registration code: 9737399

    I want to go on record here: I am going to win the tournament on Sunday--I guarantee it. I know there are going to be upwards of 9,000 people playing in it. I know that I am in the bottom quartile (sextile? nonotile?) so far as poker skill, talent, and experience goes. So what? I guarantee that I'll win.

    Why do I think I'm going to win? Because I think I am. If the last ten or so years have taught us anything it's that the facts and objective truth are mere inconvieniences when confronted with total denial and a willingness to wholeheartedly believe in an artifical "reality". Hey, O.J. didn't kill Nicole and Ron. Enron and WorldCom are paragons of capitalistic innovation. Iraq's WMD must be neutralized before there's a mushroom cloud over Miami. Ashlee Simpson is a talented singer. I am going to win the tournament on Sunday. Like so many, I believe.

    So why put myself on the line like this? Because my guaranteeing victory is totally without risk. It's a freeroll. Let me put it to you this way--Joe Namath guaranteed that the Jets would beat the Colts in Super Bowl III. Had the Colts performed as expected and slaughtered the AFL champs, no one would remember Namath's boast except as an amusing little footnote. But the Jets won, and Namath became a sports legend for all time. The Jets had to play the game anyway--what's the harm in upping the ante and have a shot at immortality?

    Let's look at another example. A few weeks ago Julian Peterson of the San Francisco 49ers guaranteed his team would beat the Dallas Cowboys. Peterson didn't get quite as much ink as Joe Willie--the Niners sucked large last year, and despite winning their opener will likely suck just as large this year. But Peterson understood--he could make his boast, get some air time, and, hey, the Cowboys ain't that great this year either. The Niners raced out to a big lead, which Peterson and his defensive cohorts couldn't hold. Dallas won. Did the national media jump on Peterson's throat for being wrong? Of course not. Nor have other players who made such claims been called to account for their hubris. They're losers--who cares.

    Then again, unless the stage is sufficiently large, most folks don't care if you ARE right after guaranteeing a win. An early regular-season game between one team in the Reggie Bush sweepstakes and another who would be 5-11 if they played in the AFC isn't likely to get anyone's blood pumping. But there is a game on this week's schedule that WOULD garner a little bit of excitement. No, I don't mean my Steelers against the Bengals in the latter teams' biggest game since the Super Bowl they blew (congrats to Bungles fans, by the way--it usually takes you guys 2 or 3 seasons to win five games). No, the game in question is the undefeated Indianapolis Colts against the winless Houston Texans.

    Now here's a game where a guarantee would be worth making. Let's say the squeaky-clean Peyton Manning got up during the week and said, "I guarantee we'll beat the Texans". Pretty much everyone would think the same thing--"No kidding, asshole". That would actually be big news--Peyton Manning acting like an asshole? Let's cut to Steve Young and Michael Irvin tut-tutting about it. The Texans would be riled up, the Houston crowd out for revenge, and the Colts would probably win by a score of 41-3. Other than the Texans' coaches and their dependents, who cares?

    But say David Carr was the one who walked up to the podium and announced, "I guarantee we'll beat the Colts on Sunday" the reaction would be different. Everyone would think he's an idiot. And it's much worse in this country to be thought an idiot than an asshole. Hell, "asshole" is a target lots of people spend their lives shooting for. Make enough bad noise and you'll end up on magazine covers and get your own talk show.

    But there's a lot more room for improvement when everyone thinks you're an idiot. Carr would have a ready excuse for making such a moronic boast--he's been sacked 197 times this season and no doubt his gray matter has been scrambled like so many farm-fresh eggs. Add the fact that such a statement would piss off the overrated but still top-ranked Colts defense, and that the Texans' cats-cradle of an offensive line would be hopeless against a Dwight Freeney so infuriated he plans to turn Reliant Stadium into Carr's personal Calvary. Idiot indeed.

    But what of it? Everyone expects the Colts to run roughshod over the Texans, and if it happens it happens. No one will remember the guarantee or care. But what if Carr pulls it off? What if the Texans pull the huge upset, despite Carr being pounded into a red and blue crepe? He'd be a hero. He'd be untouchable in Houston. Instead of ditching him for Matt Leinart, the Texans might trade down and invest in some offensive line talent, increasing the odds that Carr will be able to eat food more substantial than pudding come his 40th birthday.

    No one will care if I don't win on Sunday. But when I DO win, my guarantee will make the victory ten times as sweet. I'll be like Babe Ruth--I called my shot. I'll be able to lord it over everyone until the day I die. Even longer, if it get my boast inscribed on my tombstone. In neon letters. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to block off some vacation time for the cruise. And on the way home I have to remember to pick up some suntan lotion. Because I AM GOING TO WIN ON SUNDAY. I GARE-UNN-TEEE. get this widget Please visit Pokernews site for more poker news, poker strategy articles or poker rules.

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