Mean Gene
Mean Gene
Pittsburgh's most decorated poker blogger, which I admit is like being the best shortstop in Greenland

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My Articles

Presto, the Arlo, & the Hammer
An Online Code of Conduct
The Ethics of Ratholing
"The Professor, the Banker..."
"Ace on the River"

My Columns

Lose the Shades
If You Can't Say Something Nice
Whither the Kicker
The Lady is a Champ?
Covering the WSOP (or not)
Statistics, Luck, and Poker
Poker and New Orleans
Managing a Bankroll
How To Tell A Bad Beat Story
Telling Lies
The Power of Poker Tracker
Advanced Card-Handling

My Greatest Hits

5 Things To Do Before I Die
Cafeteria Nostalgia
Mean Gene's Dubious Dating Tips
Poker and Business?
There's No Such Thing As Luck?
Isabelle, Je t'adore
No Shirt No Shoes No Service
Well, The Food Was Good
Good Morning, Mr. Matusow!
The Weekend of our Discontent, I
The Weekend of our Discontent, II
Books That Left Their Mark
Ode to a Fish Sandwich
Bill Simmons Ain't the Poker Guy
The Sports Guy Still Ain't the Poker Guy
Again, The Media Tackles Poker
Five Years After 9/11
Hitting Pretty Girls in the Face
Sixth-Graders Suck

Fellow Poker Bloggers

Guinness and Poker
Cards Speak
Tao of Poker
Up for Poker
Boy Genius
Chris Halverson
Poker Grub
The Fat Guy
Todd Commish
Poker Works
Bill Rini
Bad Blood
Love and Casino War
Double As
Lion Tales
Paul Phillips
Daniel Negreanu
Poker Nerd
Poker Nation
Poker in Arrears
Human Head
Sound of a Suckout
Chicks With Chips
TP's Table Talk
Royal Poker
This is Not A Poker Blog
Chick and a Chair
Go Be Rude
Poker Cheapskate
Poker & Other Stuff
Seven Two
Musical Poker
WPBT Online
Isabelle Mercier
Cardschat Blog
Amy Calistri
BJ Nemeth
Annie's Blog

Poker Sites

Cardschat Poker Forum
Barstool Sports
Card Player
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    Sunday, March 05, 2006

    The Oracle That Is Mean Gene

    While telling yinz how to live a more happy, satisfying life isn't the prime directive of this blog, I like to help out when I can. So here's a wee bit of advice.

    If you're thinking about getting married, whether that day is tomorrow or 50 years hence, do not, DO NOT, register for fine china. There is no bigger waste of money in the world (outside of your typical governmental and corporate graft) than otherwise blissful couples burdening themselves with 100 pounds of pricy, fragile, useless china. You won't use it. You might THINK you'll use it--as the big day approaches you'll imagine you and your spouse hosting dinner parties with elegant people in gowns and tuxedos making oh-so-witty conversation. Forget it. Never happen. Don't be gulled by Martha Stewart--the only bon mots that will be exchanged over your china will be "Aw, shit!" and "I TOLD you we needed more goddam bubble wrap!" as you naively try to safely pack it all away before moving day.

    China looks great in the store, doesn't it? When I got married I was the one who picked out our pattern, and it looks fabulous. Elegant, subdued--yet confident in its own unique beauty. Now imagine it with a big sloppy glob of chicken cacciatore staining its porcelein face. I have never eaten off our china. Not once. I once bragged that when I got back from my honeymoon I was gonna make a big batch of Chili Beef (my favorite disgusting comfort food) and eat it off our china. Never have. I had Chili Beef yesterday and five seconds too late I realized I should've broken out the china. Next time, next time.

    You can't stick your china in the dishwasher--it might break! Or get chipped! Or the hot water might strip away the gold filigree or leave scraches on the pattern or...oh God, let's just seal it in a vault pumped full of argon gas!

    If you host a dinner party with eight guests, you are gonna have a shitload of dishes to do by hand. And as you scrub your significant other is gonna be watching you like a hawk to ensure you don't use too much elbow grease and ding the dishes. So that makes for a fun end to the festivities. Plus the recriminations and bickering that will ensue when one of her dimbulb sorority sisters gets a snootful of Chardonnay and drops her goblet on the hardwood floor. A goblet that MUST be replaced--you can't have less than a full set of 12, can you? How will you sleep at night?

    It isn't just that china is expensive--once you accumulate some, you must double down and buy a china cupboard or hutch or whatever the hell they're called. A big wooden monstrosity with glass windows (again, adding exponentially to the misery of relocating) will run you a tidy sum and will take up a third of your dining room. If you're thinking of hosting a poker game in your dining room make sure at least 40% of the participants have builds that could be described as "skinny" or, better yet, "emaciated", so everyone isn't sucking in their guts the entire night.

    China is a traditional wedding gift. It makes life easy on your guests--they can go to the inevitable department store where you registered, pick up a place setting, and five minutes later they're heading to TGI Fridays or someplace to eat their goddam dinner. People, your wedding day is about YOU. You and that other person who'll be stapled to your hip and hogging the spotlight and driving you up a freakin' tree before all's said and done (I've always imagined that when many marriages are consummated there's some angry, spiteful sex going on). Your wedding day is a day to be selfish. Really selfish. So go for the gusto and don't make things easy on your guests.

    Forget the china. Register for stuff you actually NEED and will actually USE. You need good everyday plates and bowls and silverware--register for THAT. You need pots and pans and bakeware. But most people register for that stuff anyway. So either get creative or, if that's too much work, put the ball in your guests' court and don't register for ANYTHING. Do that, and you'll hopefuly get the one gift all newly married couples need--cash. Lots and lots of cash.

    I hope I have been of some service. If in the next few days a brick gets thrown through my window (a brick edged in gold leaf and a bird in flight etched on each side) I'll know the people at Mikasa are well and truly pissed. get this widget Please visit Pokernews site for more poker news, poker strategy articles or poker rules.

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